this week has just been hell on wheels. and it seems like its not just me who has felt that way. wonder why the universe is playing with us this week?
ive decided to just be the good little wifey and make dinner and put my head down and work. i cant make my husband stop what hes doing, and its not bad enough that i want to run from it. ive quietly rolled my anger into doing dishes with a vengeance and cooking up a storm. made a big ass pan of brownies last night, although i wished i had some special brownies (heh), and at the same time i also wished i had horse laxative at my disposal. mean, i know. i was taught to be mean by my ex, im still trying to unlearn it. the need to retaliate is quite strong when youve been wronged. tonight i made a meat loaf for kent. only for kent. connie doesnt want it, and i have meat aversion, once i have to put my hands in it, i dont want it anymore. it does smell good though. the dog is lusting after it, as i type.
the one drawback to giving up this battle is that i am not very good at channeling my anger. it tends to leak out when i least expect it, resulting in me going off for tiny things that have just grated my last nerve. today it was: kent's bowel issues (yes again, today i had to both clean the toilet again AND start a load of laundry) and connie knocking her bed off the risers. all the chairs this child talked me into and she sits in the floor with her feet on the wall pushing her back against the bed until it falls. grrr. i went off. i yelled, i screamed, i declared i was NOT helping her put it back. i finally did though, after hearing her in there crying trying to do it herself. it was one of those mom things, ya know, where you say the same admonishment over and over and no one hears it until you yell it and make them cry over it.
yeah, i dont think she will be leaning on it like that again any time soon.
plans all week have gone awry. i have waited up for kent each night, for nothing. i have waited each day for the planned activities, for nothing. i never did call jole, i couldnt put my anger down long enough to talk to anyone, i avoided my phone except to check email. i had nothing to say good, so i was better off keeping my mouth shut.
we got kents paystub today. a sad sight. i would like to kick him in the ass for not working the 2nd week of shutdown. my birthday will suck. they are issuing him a check for the missing december 15th overtime, finally, tomorrow. and instead of handing him money to buy a gift or whatever, i have to take it and pay freaking bills. it is really hard for me to let it go that if he had worked instead of sitting here on the computer all that week, i might be having a much nicer birthday. i tried to make his birthday special. i cooked for him, i made him a cake, i bought him a gift, it actually arrived ON his birthday. i probably wont even hear a greeting from him on my birthday. god i sound like a petulant child, dont i? its been a lifetime since anyone made a big deal over my damned birthday, i guess i feel like i deserve it, for once.
i went outside and worked the moon a little last night. or i should say i tried. my brain was all over the place. i tried to let everything go in the wind, but i couldnt. all the negative energy i was feeling just wouldnt let go of me. i got rid of some of it in the shower this morning, with my normal ritual before i spend time with cecelia. later this evening i could feel it all come back. im considering getting up really early tomorrow, although i expect i will be woken up when kent comes to bed at 4am.
and my printer is out of ink on the very day i freaking need it. what next? i need a baseball bat so i can hit all these curve balls outta the park!
